Meeeeeeeeeee's Blog

Being a bit of a bad blog buddy

September 16, 2009
6 Comments

I’ve been really bad updating recently as I don’t know how to put into words my emotions.
My dad who you will now I love loads and usually he tries to see me at least once a week
and loves spending time with the children and I’d booked a holiday to the seaside his favourite
place for the end of september all good fu for him and children.
Well he was diagnosed with stomach cancer during the 6 weeks holiday and it is terminal and was given
about six months to live,the cancer is in exactly the same place as people have gastric bands fitted
in order to lose weight,he now weighs about 6 and half stone and at 5ft 10 looks like someone who has been
in a concentration camp.
Cant operate so buy a little time by chemo but was told today he is too weak for chemotherapy so option is
put a tube in stomach and feed over night at home to try and get weight and strengh up to attempt chemo.

I tried so hard to find the words to tell the children I managed it as best I could,I’m not coping very well
so snappy and emotional and not much appetite,but I have children who need me so I get up and do what needs
to be done.I hate seing my dad suffer and I can’t help him..my big sister rings me upset and needing me as
a shoulder to cry on and my younger brother does as well both turning to me for support,I am trying to help
but I don’t think they relise that being single mom with special needs children and trying to be a rock for
my dad also they are heaping so much pressure on me and if I try to take a break and find time for myself which
I need they make me feel guilty,not intentionally I hope and I understand they hurt too.
My dad has told me not to cancel holiday as I can’t do anything and he wants the kids to have fun and I need a
break,so I am doing as he said and will try to enjoy it for the kids sake.

I’ve had a few hard conversations over the last couple of weeks,my dad wanted to see me with a nice guy to take care
of me and possibly walk me down the aisle,he wanted to meet Isaacs dad as father of his grandchild and as never met him
he wanted to see Carrie-ann go to university and quite a few things I cant do in the space of less than six months.

I’ve run up an horrendous phone bill ringing around for him getting him the help he needs to make his time on earth easier
and am doing all I physically can,but it doesn’t seem enough.
You will have to excuse the grammar typos and whole content as I’m crying as I type,and am feeling a little sorry for
myself as i’m supporting everyone and haven’t got anyone to support me through this hard time.

I do really like my blog to be positive but I’m finding it hard to end on a positive note.

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holding things together without any glue

March 3, 2009
5 Comments

I really don’t know what is the matter with me today,normally whatever life throws at me I can cope with but today I can’t even my faith in god is shaken and I feel like he is too busy for me.
All I have done all day amongst being on auto pilot and doing the daily tasks is cry and I feel like nobody cares or wants to help or support me.
I don’t generally as a rule ask for help and support and it has taken me a while to learn to ask for help so pride swallowed I ask for some support and i’m expected to get on with things,I know in the scheme of universal things I’m not important but I really can’t cope at the moment,it’s just all too much for me.