Meeeeeeeeeee's Blog

Being a bit of a bad blog buddy | September 16, 2009

I’ve been really bad updating recently as I don’t know how to put into words my emotions.
My dad who you will now I love loads and usually he tries to see me at least once a week
and loves spending time with the children and I’d booked a holiday to the seaside his favourite
place for the end of september all good fu for him and children.
Well he was diagnosed with stomach cancer during the 6 weeks holiday and it is terminal and was given
about six months to live,the cancer is in exactly the same place as people have gastric bands fitted
in order to lose weight,he now weighs about 6 and half stone and at 5ft 10 looks like someone who has been
in a concentration camp.
Cant operate so buy a little time by chemo but was told today he is too weak for chemotherapy so option is
put a tube in stomach and feed over night at home to try and get weight and strengh up to attempt chemo.

I tried so hard to find the words to tell the children I managed it as best I could,I’m not coping very well
so snappy and emotional and not much appetite,but I have children who need me so I get up and do what needs
to be done.I hate seing my dad suffer and I can’t help him..my big sister rings me upset and needing me as
a shoulder to cry on and my younger brother does as well both turning to me for support,I am trying to help
but I don’t think they relise that being single mom with special needs children and trying to be a rock for
my dad also they are heaping so much pressure on me and if I try to take a break and find time for myself which
I need they make me feel guilty,not intentionally I hope and I understand they hurt too.
My dad has told me not to cancel holiday as I can’t do anything and he wants the kids to have fun and I need a
break,so I am doing as he said and will try to enjoy it for the kids sake.

I’ve had a few hard conversations over the last couple of weeks,my dad wanted to see me with a nice guy to take care
of me and possibly walk me down the aisle,he wanted to meet Isaacs dad as father of his grandchild and as never met him
he wanted to see Carrie-ann go to university and quite a few things I cant do in the space of less than six months.

I’ve run up an horrendous phone bill ringing around for him getting him the help he needs to make his time on earth easier
and am doing all I physically can,but it doesn’t seem enough.
You will have to excuse the grammar typos and whole content as I’m crying as I type,and am feeling a little sorry for
myself as i’m supporting everyone and haven’t got anyone to support me through this hard time.

I do really like my blog to be positive but I’m finding it hard to end on a positive note.

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6 Comments »

  1. Oh no, Fraggle. I don’t have the words to tell you how sorry I am to hear this. I know only too well how hard a positive attitude is, but how much it can help everyone affected. All you can really do is give all the support you can. It takes a lot out of you, but it’s rewarding in a way.

    If I can help in any way, let me know.

    Bill

    Comment by deyank — September 16, 2009 @ 6:47 pm

  2. So sorry to hear this news, thinking of you and your Dad at this time…..

    Comment by Chippy — September 16, 2009 @ 6:47 pm

  3. In view of the circumstances there’s no way that you should consider yourself a bad blog buddy!
    I sympathise, and feel for you, as I know only too well just what you must be going through.
    Do make sure that you’re okay, however difficult that may be, because if you’re not it will make that much harder not only on you but for your dad and children as well.
    Take care, and hugs! xx

    Comment by Flighty — September 16, 2009 @ 7:28 pm

  4. Oh, my dear Fraggle. It’s been a hard summer for you and of course we understand your absence. I’m sorry you are feeling the pressure of trying to please your father in the time he has left. But I’m sure he knows your love and devotion to him even if you can’t get married, your daughter graduated, and all the good things he wants for you. You know my thoughts and prayers will be with you. You don’t have to be perfect for your children — they will see how a grown up can grieve and need time for herself and deal with the difficult days, all while trusting and looking to God for strength and grace. Hugs to you.

    Comment by beginninghere — September 17, 2009 @ 2:51 am

  5. (sorry, that’s me, nikkipolani who posted that — my roomie is signed in on this computer)

    Comment by beginninghere — September 17, 2009 @ 2:52 am

  6. Thanks everyone: my dad had feeding tube put in yesterday they are giving him tiny amounts food as it’s been so long since eaten if too much at one time, could do more harm than good or put added stress on his heart.
    If he manages put weight on a little can start chemo, he won’t sleep at night as soon as sun comes up he will then have a sleep, psycologicaly he thinks seing sun he has made it another day.

    My mates drag me out on Saturday to our friends hen night, it was a welcome distraction but my heart and head elsewhere.

    Just a waiting game with no happy outcome, I want him to be here as long as possible,but hate seing him suffer.
    Thanks for your support I do appreciate it x

    Comment by Fraggle — September 22, 2009 @ 5:23 pm


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